New Mom, Who Dis? Season 3, Episode 7
In these trying times, there are so many loved ones I miss…I miss my hairstylist, my make-up artist, the lady in the corner of the nail salon who would wax my chin for five bucks. These people are MY LIFEBLOOD. Without them, I’m just an Ed Sheeran lookalike with no discernible talent.
Since quarantine began, it’s been MONTHS since I’ve put any effort into my appearance. So, I decided it was finally time to take my “look” into my own hands…by ordering every extreme beauty product I could find on Amazon.ca and testing them all…so you don’t have to.
The END RESULT is SHOCKING.
First, I bring you the Face Slimming Cheek V Face Line Belt Breathable Chin Lift Up Anti-Wrinkle Sleep Strap (Red) *comes up for air*
In 30 to 45-minutes, this nifty little tool is supposed to give you an ALL NATURAL facelift…and if I’m being honest: it was Vpainful.
But…apparently beautiful people wear it while doing yoga, so I trust it.
Moving on.
Next is the Jawzrsize (not to be mistaken for the beat-pumpin’ fitness regime: jazzercise). The Jawzrsize is used for jaw strengthening and neck toning. Basically, you chew on it and it’s supposed to make you more beautiful.
Verdict: also painful. And oddly targeted towards men?
Then, we have the Bellabe Facial Hair Remover for Women. Apparently, this product is used to get rid of dark, unsightly, wiry hair, or that annoying peach fuzz on your face, chin, or upper-lip (I have ALL of it). Unwilling to inflict this kind of pain on myself, I forced my husband to remove my moustache hair FOR ME – an activity I’m sure all marriage counselors suggest to spark romance.
Oh, later in this episode I also force him to help remove my cellulite, which as you can imagine, is EVEN MORE ROMANTIC.
Moral of the story: I chewed, I sucked, I blew, I tightened, and I almost showed you my labia, all in the name of beauty. Also, my husband is repulsed by me.
Do I look better than before? Because I feel TOTALLY REFRESHED.
Got any weird beauty rituals I need to know about? Let me know in the comments below and thanks for making this your FAVOURITE EPISODE of the SEASON! Xo jessi